Early January 2003
Tonight I did something I had never done before. No, I didn’t kill a tourist nor robbed a gas station. I did something as American as killing a tourist or robbing 7-Eleven, I went to the South Florida State Fair. I can see the shocked looks on some of your faces. Well, I was kinda shocked myself.
You see, Florida has done wonders for me. I’ve been experiencing tons of things that I had never done before, like going to Golden Corral, Taco Bell, KFC, shopping at Wal-Mart, among other things. And now, I experienced the State Fair.
I am not sure how to describe it. It was fun, don’t get me wrong, but some things just couldn’t go by un-noticed, unheard, undone…
The types you see at the fair were nothing like what I would expect. I thought that being in South Florida, the crowd that goes to the fair is a tad different. No, it is not… It’s probably the same crowd that goes to State Fairs all over the south… hicks.
I saw some types that I thought were only seen in Texas. Not quite… the hunting gear outfit, with the cammo jacket and hat, the belt buckle, the hat… I ain’t sayin’ Texans are hicks, but you know, it’s just common to see that in the Lone Star State. I guess it’s common in rural Florida as well.
I assume these folks drove from the western coast of the Sunshine State to West Palm Beach where the fair is located. It wasn’t too busy, since it’s only a chilly Tuesday nite. Chilly being around the mid 60s.
There were a lot of kids as well, ranging from little up to teenagers. Some were hicks some weren’t, some were just weird looking. Some looked like they could be dueling banjos in Deliverance. But anyway, the unexpected crowd I encountered were Jews, orthodox ones!!! Well, duh! I’m in South Florida, which is pretty much the same thing as being in Queens, Yonkers or Long Island. I just didn’t think I would come across kids in yarmulkes. Well I certainly did… quite the interesting, yet random mix of people… Orthodox Jews and Hicks. They don’t even go well not in the same sentence.
I walked around the fair, saw the rides, but I didn’t ride the rides. They were too damn scary. I was afraid I would end up on the Local News tonite, perhaps CNN later on, as being one of the survivors from a freak accident where the bumper cars caught on fire.
Or the Ferris Wheel got loose and circled around, like a coin, until it collapsed killing everybody, except me. Or maybe me too, who knows, depending on my luck. The rides that were scary on purpose, like the haunted house and stuff looked the sketchiest. I am sure Florida’s death row is loose in there and they actually kill people inside. Not just a simulation, there are actual slaughters going on in there. And only for 4 coupons.
Besides you had to pay to get on the rides! I thought that was a tad outrageous… gees they are not safe and they are vomit inducers too.
I don’t know if you guys have noticed the obscure character of the “carnies”, “roadies”, whatever the Fair workers are called. I think I heard it on The Simpsons that they are called carnies. Anyway, that episode where Homer and Bart become carnies and the carnies steal their house… I can so see some of those guys actually doing that.
Wait, I think they already did it once or twice. Some of them grab you verbally and they won’t let you go. They want you to play their damn game. They won’t stop harassing you until you come to their booth and play the game and of course lose the game.
I won a stuffed frog that holds a heart that says: “Kiss Me!” It’s cute…
There was a petting zoo too. Mixed in with the pettable animals, there was a zebra and a kangaroo. The “pettable” animals were kinda pointless, after all most of the folks there have those animals in their back yard! I don’t get to pet goats and sheep very often so it was…fun? Yeah, fun! Fun it was…
I think eating at the fair was the best part. The food is really good! I ate THREE corn dogs and so far no heartburn… I am such a fatass, but I couldn’t stop eating them.
While in line, I noticed a woman sitting. She seemed distressed, as she frantically wiped her hands down her shirt. I thought: “Give the woman some NAPKINS!” Her face was red, you know white-trash-sunburn-red, so I thought she had either been drinking or crying. Or she could have been mental, I’m not sure. So, I had to make a comment about her being a bit demented PWT (poor white trash).
I ended up sitting close to her, since there was a lack of seats away from the character. As I was chowing down my corn dogs, I heard the woman’s conversation for a while about her being on the road for the past 10 years, about her husband selling hunting gear (such a good deer season), about her health… she had to complain about her health. Apparently she is getting sick since it’s been cold down here and her trailer has no heat. Her nose was so stuffy and she had no tissue at the trailer so she used a dirty sock to blow her nose. Now I ponder… did I have to hear that while enjoying my second corn dog? I don’t mean to stereotype her, but gees, living in a trailer, no Kleenex, blowing nose on a dirty sock. Doesn’t it all go together? The nice lady abandoned us and went back to work. I hope she washed her hands…
After “dinner” I decided to check out the crafts and stuff. No more rides for me. The crafts and stuff were a show on its own. Some were very interesting, like the glass sculpture man. But others, like the yarn puppets and the Southwest motif t-shirts I don’t have words to describe it. Wait… I thought of a couple… damn ugly! Among the other goodies in the damn ugly category were Elvis themed lamps. So much fell in the damn ugly category… I can’t even list it all…
A puzzling character I noticed walking around the fair was a woman that looked like Queen Victoria, all in black, gray hair covered by a veil… I’m sure she was supposed to be somebody, but who? Maybe she is the fair’s version of Cinderella… who knows.
I called it a night when I figured it couldn’t get any better than that. Perhaps having to tip the bathroom attendant at a STATE FAIR was the deciding factor that it was time to go home… So I did…
Overall it was cool, an interesting cultural anthropological event. Next time I’ll go more prepared and with more money. The corn dogs were unforgettable…